Sunday, December 26, 2004
the big three zero
Some people get all panicky when heading towards thirty. If I have been getting panicky I haven't noticed. Mind you, there has been a lot to distract my attention. Firstly, I am now the proud owner of a camper van.
It's so tiny you can hardly believe that it actually is a camper van. But is has a fridge, a cooker, and space for a smallish double bed. It's in perfect condition and has only done 25000 miles even though it's about 16 years old. It's gonna be so much fun in that this summer.
Other that that it has been the usual sort of Christmas thing, with the presents and the food and stuff. Alexandra has been running around all over the place and is a little ball of energy, although our friend Kate's daughter Lilly came out best on camera.
I have to admit that my birthday does usually feel a little flat. Everybody is away, exhausted, hung over, or busy with family, so it very rarely contains a big celebration of my birth onto the planet. This situation needs a remedy, so I reckon I'll have a big party when I back to Toulouse.
But atleast I did do something for myself today - I told Tomomi (ex gf) I don't want to see her when I am in Japan. I was always doing what I didn't want to with her. Throughout the relationship I never got the feeling she could appreciate me. Since then I have had only more and more reason to be convinced that the main thing she liked me for was for being a potential passport to overseas.
The way I see it, there are two ways to be attracted to someone. You can be attracted to someone because of the status they offer, material benefits they bring. Or you can be attracted to someone just because you appreciate them.
Japan, being quite a sexist society, is full of the first type of relationship, with women needing to establish themselves through their choice of husband. This basis for a relationship completely neglects the inner person. If wealth, fame, power, or any other form of social status is what has attracted your partner, they're not going to be interested in you as a person. There's no heart to heart bond formed.
It feels right for me today to assert my intention to have better than that. I know better that that does exist since I have glimpsed it before. And because I have learnt to appreciate people. I admit that the chances of two people meeting and appreciating each other at the same time, managing to see past their own assumptions, cultural preferences and prejudices, does seem to be slim. But has anybody out there had that experience?
I'm talking about the experience where you can see each other, all the broken as well as the brilliant bits. In the act of seeing each other in that beautiful broken way, quivering with fear of rejection, and then showing you still want to be with them, the broken bits seem to melt away.
The time it happened to me, it opened up aspects of myself I never knew existed. So opening up the chance of experiencing that again is my birthday present to myself.
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